Healing Is The Skill. Sobriety Can Be The Practice.

I used to think that any break from drinking was a good idea but I'm not sure I still agree.  I mean, yes—of course one week or one month without alcohol in your system benefits your health status. But it's the chronic habit of alcohol use— not the individual beverages—which is giving some of us pause.

Dry January is fine as a diet if you're going on a sunny vacation in the spring and you're looking to eliminate a few pounds. Without alcohol, you'll free up time and workout more, maybe you'll eat better (maybe). 

There’s nothing wrong with appearance-focused goals, what shows on the outside is a reflection of what’s happening on the inside but some of us are looking for more.

And maybe it's not necessarily even the alcohol that's the issue. It's a chicken or egg kinda thing. Life is hurting, alcohol is hurting—who started it, who's keeping it going? Maybe neither, maybe both? It's not the kind of question that's easy to figure out when your addled brain is constantly detoxing alcohol. On the flipside, it can be so much easier to figure out what the "issues" are in your life when your brain has been out of detox for a while. When you’re sober, it's so freaking clear.

That’s because when we’re sober, we’re inherently offered opportunities to heal through big and small obstacles, through spaciousness- extra time…and with that comes clarity. 

Healing can be described as the ability to be with yourself through pain. Those who completed Dry January know some of those “sober pains” like the pain of detox, the pain of feeling awkward without a drink, the pain of your preferences changing after you stop drinking for a while, the pain of relationship dynamics shifting, the pain of...raw life.

Gabor Mate is a researcher/doctor/author and he's a huge influence of mine. In his book, The Myth of Normal, he talks about the 4 A's of Healing. Mate says these 4 A's are required to heal in the context of the ability to be with yourself through all the pains of existence. Being with yourself means stillness, waiting…not resorting to self-abandoning behaviors.

First, what does self-abandonment look like?

Instead of pausing when we feel something that we perceive as "bad,” we race to distract ourselves from pain—typically with something that will give us a little hit of dopamine: substances, work, porn, social media, video games, etc.

So what do we need to stop self-abandoning (or—what do we need to do to heal)? :

1. We want to show up with agency.

In order to heal, it’s imperative that we feel like we're in the driver's seat of our life. In order to do that, we have got to stop playing the game of victim where we fall into the mental habit of seeing our circumstances as attacks. We feel victimized from these assaults, which feels bad, but then we get to complain about the injustices of the world, which can feel bonding with others. Then, when they agree with us, we even get a little addictive dopamine hit. And on top of it, sympathy and support—our basic human needs! 

There’s a reason it feels so good to report everything happening to your best friends and there’s nothing wrong with that but you’ve got to be mindful of one thing: our brains are so simple. And they’re trained with the dopamine that shoots us up every time we recognize a pattern, agree with someone, bond. That means the more you do it—the more you see yourself as victimized and go through all of those rewarding behaviors around it—the more your brain will be trained to look for those victim-y moments, those opportunities for a dopamine hit. Ultimately, this starts to shape your world view, proving that, once again, you’re always being f*cked over. (YES!!!!!!)

This isn’t something anyone sets out to do to their perspective, it’s totally subconscious. But it is, in its essence, a bad habit. And that's good news- because we know we can break habits! 

Reflection questions:

How does alcohol help you stay in the victim game? Does drinking allow you the ability to get your needs met over some (bitchy) cocktails? Do you find yourself blaming others for the way you feel? How many people do you typically speak with after you feel your life has been assaulted in some way?

2. We want to show up authentically.

Are you living in your values? Do you know what your values are? 

Here's a good way to check: do you go your own way (without consulting anyone), even when you know that will disappoint people? Or does the thought of doing something out of approval make you want to curl up and literally die? 

I think of authenticity as ease and flow. It’s doing what makes sense for you. 

I know that it sometimes feels like drinking helps us to show up as our most authentic self, our most at ease...in flow. But I have noticed that when we chronically use alcohol, we start to train our authenticity to live inside of a bottle and it's available only after we've uncorked it. I don’t like that deal. I want to feel like I’m in my easiest flow all day every day, not just at special dinners. 

I won't sugarcoat it: it can take a really long freaking time to shed the mask of drinking and emerge as the easiest and most authentic version of yourself without a drink. And quitting drinking alone is not guaranteed to do anything for you (ever heard of a dry drunk?). 

Our personality is nothing but a sequence of behaviors we've copied over a lifetime. We've tested them in our daily lives, kept what worked and dumped what didn't. We all have a part of that "personality" which is reserved exclusively for times when we're drinking. (And we love that drinking persona!) 

We learn how to drug ourselves in order to show up in public as the happy, cool or excited person you’ve agreed to show up as. Forever. Always. And then later at home, we might end up feeling completely drained. We might be rude to our family, to ourselves. We feel like trash after we leave our scene and then we might start to think that the best part of our lives is when our drinking persona is encouraged to be out…not connecting the cost of keeping that one front and center. 

Reflection questions: Do I use alcohol to "rally" when I'm not in the mood to be social? How do people around me respond when I'm in a more neutral state? Do I feel pressured to act excited whenever I see other people or am I okay with showing up however I feel, even if that's calm and quiet? 

3. We want to express healthy anger.

Healthy anger: Expressed anger that’s short, to the point, in the moment

Unhealthy anger: Unexpressed anger that builds into resentment, brooding, long rages

Integrative medicine believes that the neurological tension (stress) created by suppressing your feelings will show up at the very least in the form of anxiety or depression and if ignored, as chronic pain and disease.

Anger is meant to be expressed as a healthy defender of your boundaries and it's meant to be expressed in the moment. (By the way, ranting on social media is not healthy anger!) 

There's a social pressure to be cool and “in control.” And so we hold it all in because we’re all well-trained adults and remember that persona we created? We’re good at show ponying that personality-babe whenever we need. 

But then later, we get surprised by a frustrated burst of emotion over something that, on its own, isn’t really that big of a deal. Road rage is a good example.

It makes sense that those who don’t have boundaries or aren't comfortable expressing theirs, will also struggle to let go of their reverence for drinking. For those who want to be perceived as nice,  alcohol use might be the place where they can be honest. Where they might even express anger. But since it’s not in the moment, and happens when intoxicated, sometimes that’s met with a whole lot of regret too...a new emotional storm that’s not really helping the cause of releasing tension.

Unexpressed anger is insidious…you can feel if you're seething underneath the surface on a regular basis. You know if you're flying into rages and moods that can last a whole day or longer. 

Healthy anger should look more like a snarl from a dog. A quick show of the teeth, maybe a bark. 

And then it's done.

Healthy anger does not linger.

Start releasing the lingering tension that is unexpressed anger by having and expressing boundaries.Start saying things like

I don't want that. 

I don't like that. 

No.

Reflection questions: When's the last time you asserted your boundaries, in the moment? When's the last time you regretted the way you directed your anger? How does anger interact with your drinking experiences? How about the day(s) after?

4. We meet our truths with acceptance.

At the heart of acceptance is grief. That's really what it is. Acceptance is the act of letting a dream die. Letting go of something you wanted to happen so bad. It's letting go of control. It's surrender. 

Although ultimately relaxing, the disappointment which comes with accepting a loss can feel like a death.

Your partner is never changing.
The person you voted for didn't win.
Your body is different.
My drinking persona costs me too much to maintain.

Acceptance is the calm and peace after you grieve. It's the rainbow after the emotional storm. 

It's absolutely true that removing alcohol will come with grief and if you can cultivate faith and patience, you will make it through to the other side. The other side comes with so much freedom, joy and ease. It's going to take time to realize that truth but I hope you do make the effort because it's possibly the most interesting thing you'll ever do with yourself- an exploration that's absolutely not to be missed.

Guidance and community are essential parts of making any kind of significant change in your life and if you found the subjects in this blog to resonate with you, I would invite you to join our membership.

We meet in small groups to cultivate our ability to withstand those really tough moments by harnessing the power of our nervous systems with breathwork, meditation, journaling and peer-led discussions.

If you are interested in a weekly group that’s focused on alcohol, you can apply for DryNamics here.

If you’re not interested in talking about alcohol but would still like to participate in a support group where we practice care of our nervous system while examining emotional subjects, become a member here.

Thank you for reading to the end of this blog post. My hope is that it inspired you to keep walking forward.